I like working on things. You know, mucking around. I love rehearsal. I love reading plays and picking out scripts to direct. I love auditions (though I hate cutting people). I like writing drafts of plays and thinking about how I would rewrite them. Mulling over characters and the things they might do.
I love all of this so much, the work of the theatre, that I would trade it for the finish line.
You see, by the time a show that I'm directing reaches the polishing stage, I start to lose interest. I've accomplished most of what I wanted to and the actors have to start to make it their own. And I fuss over details, yes, but in a kind of forced "it's my responsibility to point this out" kind of way. For me, the fun is in discovery - helping groups of young actors figure out how to work together, pushing them toward different ways of interpreting their work. Performance, to me, is almost a necessary evil.
Isn't that awful? Isn't performance what it's all about? Yes, it is. All that work is for naught if, ultimately it doesn't mean something to an audience. The audience is who it's for. They determine the true value of a given work by their presence and precious attention. But audiences freak me out. I love them, I do. But I fear them, too. When a production goes up, it's out of my hands, and it feels like I (and more importantly the work I've done for the previous three months or so) meets its maker. Judgement ensues.
I'm fortunate to work in educational theatre. Everyone loves kids and wants to see them do well, so the audiences I have the fortune to work with are always willing and supportive. But, I don't believe that in the theatre, "everything always works out" as they say. Sometimes things aren't ready. Or they just plain suck. I have a mortal fear of that scenario, something I've worked on sucking. Mortal. It's happened, bt dubs. Not always, but I'm aware that it's possible. And that possibility lurks over every show.
So, I think I walk around with this "I'm process-oriented" label I've placed on myself in part as some sort of excuse to not see things through all the way. In terms of my writing, I wonder if I avoid reaching completion and pushing for production. Do I like playwriting limbo? Is my residency there due to mortal fear or a love of mucking about in development/discovery stage?
It's worth thinking about, anyway.
