Mortal Coil

We all suffer and suffering is relative.

I wish that weren't so. I wish suffering were on a scale that we could all agree upon. Like, "Surviving a tsunami" - 1000 points. "Getting home from work and there's no wine" - 10 points. Under that arrangement, those who have never survived a Tsunami or any other kind of 1000-pointer are off scot-free.

But, no. I've never survived a tsunami. And though I would categorize the no wine thing as a mere disappointment (annoying, but easy to get over), it seems I agonize over things that are really really insignificant to, say, everyone else.

Looking at it from the outside, it's easy to rate these things. But when we're going through it, it's amazing what can keep us up at night.

Some years ago, I read a book by Alfie Kohn called NO CONTEST: The Case Against Competition. Kohn is a  bit of a radical - not everyone would agree with his extreme perspectives on parenting and education, but I'm not everyone, so I dig him. In the book, he identifies a phenomenon he refers to as MEGA - Mutually Exclusive Goal Attainment. Simply put, it means "My success equals your failure." In order for me to be good at something, you have to be less good, at least a little bit. There is a best and only one person can be that best. He goes on to pulverize that mentality and urge his readers to consider a world where we can all be stars.

And I agree with him. When I go to a show that one of my peers has written or directed, I arrive with a twinge of "I kind of hope this isn't good, so that whatever I do will look better by comparison." I would like to be a better person, but I'm not, so that's how it goes. However, I am always overjoyed when it's good. I'm glad my time wasn't wasted and that I could be inspired, or be brought to learn something new. So, I do think that we can all be stars and that there can be an infinite amount of excellence in the world.

But. When it comes to teaching, I have to be the best. As in, it's not cool if someone is better than me. Correction: it's not cool if someone is not better than me but is perceived to be. Full disclosure: I have to be the favourite.

Ugh, right?

Most of the time, this is not an issue. I'm a busy gal, so I go about my day just trying to get 'er done. And I love the work, so it's all good. But we're leading up to course selection for next year at school right now. Where kids decide what classes they're going to take. I'm telling you, it's having its way with me. The other day, we had to stand up in front of everyone and talk about our programs and why they should take our classes. I hate doing stuff like that. Kids should take my classes because Drama class is the best thing in the world and I, for one, would die without it. And I want them to feel the same way.

And in situations where there may be external limits on awesome, like the timetable will only allow for so many classes, or in the case of theatre production world, there may be only so much grant money or roles or audience appeal; competition may be inevitable.

My agony was over the question, "What if they like some other teacher or class or program better than me/mine and don't take my class?" I get bent out of shape about that stuff. As in, can't sleep -feel like my soul is being crushed by a vice grip- kind of thing. Wake up in the morning with my stomach in knots. A mortal coil, if you will. Sounds about accurate.

A mortal coil. Because, "What if kids don't want to take Drama next year?"

So, I need to remind myself that there is enough awesome for everyone. We can all be stars. To me, this is like, 500 points, but to anyone else it could be as few as 0 points. And I'm glad that as humans, we all understand affliction to one degree or another and that people have written about it so we can buoy each other up with our shared experiences of what it means to suffer.

And the mortal coil is easily sloughed off when I get back into that classroom and beam with joy because some kid did something awesome.  And, it's okay if they like something/someone else sometimes. Sometimes. I'm working towards being okay with it ;).

It's okay, I don't need a tsunami to teach me a lesson. Let's be stars, you guys. All of us. At anything we want to be.