Moody Blue

I've been wrestling an inexplicable sadness these past couple days.

It started on Friday. I came home from doing some work at the school and just crawled into bed. I could hardly move. I brought a book with me, but the pages just gooped around in front of my face like cold, mushy porridge. I stayed there for hours. My appetite didn't even kick in (and I love food!). I ate much later than I usually do and then only just because it's what one does.

Yesterday wasn't a whole lot different. I had about 2 hours of housework to do and it took me all day to do half of it. I just kept crawling back to bed. Just sad, and not able to pull myself up. And not knowing why.

I'm not given to bouts of depression. I know that many people are, and I'm not in denial or anything, but it's just not something I happen to struggle with, so I know it's not that. I ruled out PMS (during which I can get certifiably crazy) as now is just not the time. So, wth? Why can't I function? Why do I feel so blue?

It happens sometimes. I realized it for the first time a little over a year ago. As I get older and the sod I travel increases and multiplies, I pick people up along the way. Most of them are dropped off not long afterward. Some are with me for short, intense periods of time and I never see them again. We're together for a particular reason and when the time's up, it's up and even though I may never see them again, they really really mattered to me for that time and an impression is left on me that may fade but never fully disappears.

Sometimes I meet people more or less in passing (some are local, some are long gone), but I think they're really cool, and though there's no reason for us to spend time together, I wish there was. I don't like to "glorify busy" as the fb meme scolds, but I just am. So, there is a huge amount of people who I love dearly and would love to spend more time with, but because they're as driven as am and doing their own things, there just isn't time for us to be epic together. Geography is a bitch, too: people move on, move away, or were never really near me to begin with. As I look at it all today, there are only a precious few who are at my side on a regular basis and have been for ages.

So, I think the cause of this moody blue is a subcutaneous awareness of missing all the people I've known and loved but who aren't near me for whatever reason. And also of anticipating the departure of those I know will be moving on, maybe not immediately, but eventually. This all results in an overwhelming pity party where I acutely feel the little bruises of all of those who have made their mark on me and who I would love to be near but can't. And it happens like this sometimes, that it all comes down to bear on me for a day or two, where my body insists on mourning those losses, because my brain is tied up with what comes next in the madness of the day-to-day. So, I can't get out of bed. So, I'm forced to pay heed and take time for it.

In times like these, I like to think of the relationships I have with my friends and precious acquaintances as jewels, our conversations (past present) as tapestries, all of which may otherwise be threatened by ephemera, but can be made to last somehow; as though by quantifiying them and giving them mass, I can will them into permanence.

At least I know, now, the origin of my malady. In a few minutes I have to suck it up. It's day 3 of this after all, and I have to finish the rest of my housework.

Love to you all.